i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
