Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
