I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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