my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
