Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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