i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
