Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
