Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
