I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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