What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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