I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
