Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
