u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
