i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
