nut hugger
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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