He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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