She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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