i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
