i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
