That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
