NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
