I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
