She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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