I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
