I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
