so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
