I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
