Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
