Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
