hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
