I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
