none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
