Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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