Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
