I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
