For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
