Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
