There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
