I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
