he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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