she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just want nice things and good sex
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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