Don't make out with my wife yet
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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