I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
