bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
