I'm lost and stupid without you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
