omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
