Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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