my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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