You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
