i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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