I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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