i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
